Tag: joy

Bible, Church, and Religion Jokes

From everywhere – for Holy Humor Sunday – and any day!

 

A small boy told a Sunday school teacher: “When you die, God takes care of you like your parents did when you were alive — only God doesn’t yell at you all the time.”

 

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.

The little girl bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

 

A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, “What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?”

The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. “I know what He said: He said, ‘Tah-dah!'”

 

Church Sign: “We welcome all denominations — $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, $100.”

 

Church of the Merciful posted this sign: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

 

In the bulletin of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church, Palm Coast, FL: “We will have a Special Holiday Bingo & Dinner on Monday evening, Dec. 30. You will be given two bingo packs, which cover all games played, and your choice of children or roast beef for dinner.”

 

From the Dalton (GA) Daily Citizen News: “John Franklin, ordained as a deamon, will pastor two churches in Fannin County.”

 

When a young minister was still single, he preached a sermon he entitled, “Rules for Raising Children.” After he got married and had children of his own, he changed the title of the sermon to “Suggestions for Raising Children.” When his children got to be teenagers, he stopped preaching on that subject altogether.

 

A man had been shipwrecked on a remote island in the Pacific, and was alone for 20 years. When a ship finally arrived, his rescuers were impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him about them.

“Well,” the man replied, “this is my house, and that building over there is my church. It’s a wonderful church and I hate to leave it.”

“And what is the third building yonder?” a rescuer asked.

“Oh, that is the church I used to go to,” the man replied.

 

  1. Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
  2. Because he knew there was something fishy about it.

 

  1. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
  2. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

 

  1. Where was Solomon’s temple located?
  2. On the side of his head.

 

  1. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
  2. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

 

  1. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
  2. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

 

  1. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
  2. It’s Christmas, Eve!

 

  1. How does Moses make his coffee?
  2. Hebrews it.

 

  1. Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?
  2. No, only an apple.

 

  1. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
  2. Because he only had two worms.

 

  1. How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
  2. By his net income.

 

  1. Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
  2. Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.

 

  1. Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
  2. Abraham. He knew a Lot.

 

  1. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
  2. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

 

  1. Who was the fastest runner in the race?
  2. Adam, because he was first in the human race.

 

  1. Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
  2. He thought he saw a job.

 

  1. What animal could Noah not trust?
  2. Cheetah

 

  1. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
  2. Samson. He brought the house down.

 

  1. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
  2. Ruthless.

 

  1. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
  2. Quackers

 

  1. Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
  2. Zaccheus.

 

  1. Which Bible character had no parents?
  2. Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

 

  1. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
  2. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

 

How long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

 

At Sunday School the children were learning how according to the Bible God created everything, including human beings.

Johnny paid particular attention when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later that week, Johnny’s mother found him lying on his bed as though he were ill, and asked him, “Johnny, what’s the matter?”

Johnny replied, “I’ve got a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

 

When is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When God gave Moses two tablets.

 

Who was the fastest guy in the Bible?

Adam – he was first in the human race.

 

What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?

Floodlights.

 

At what time of day did God create Adam?

Just before Eve.

 

Which biblical character was the youngest to speak foul language?

Job, because he cursed the day he was born.

 

Why did the hawk sit on the church steeple?

Because it was a bird of pray.

 

A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday.

At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door.

The pastor knocked and knocked but no-one answered so finally took out his card and wrote on the back:

Revelation 3:20 – “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me.”

The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was another scripture passage.

It read:

Genesis 3:10 – “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself.”

Delight!

John 2:1-11
Psalm 36:5-10

For a sake of a good story, let’s make up some details to our Gospel story today: Picture! Joe and Jane are getting married. They’ve invited all their family and friends, and the whole town. It is completely acceptable in their culture to just show up at any wedding you hear about. So, Joe has a lot of company to feed. And they get roast lamb and crisp bread and as much wine as they can drink. An exciting, bountiful wedding means an exciting, bountiful marriage, right? And in this ancient time, Joe needs to turn his financial wealth into a wealth of children!

But in the middle of the wedding, long before people are ready to go home, the wine runs out. This embarrassment, this social disaster, may haunt Joe and Jane the rest of their lives.

Picture a boss looking over two applicants to work his vineyard: does he want Benny who gave good wine his entire wedding to the whole town… or Joe who was stingy, took our wedding gifts and tossed us out before we even were buzzed?

If Joe didn’t get enough wine because he’s poor, he’s looking at being a whole lot poorer in the future as the town of Cana shuns him.

Mary, the mother of Jesus, is full of compassion and empathy. She sees the growing problem, recognizes it, and immediately takes it before God.

You see, four days ago she saw Jesus baptized and John testified he saw a spirit like a dove descend from God and alight upon Jesus. The following day, some of John’s disciples believed John’s epiphany, his realization, that Jesus is the Lamb of God. So they began to follow Jesus.

Then Mary saw Jesus begin to gather fishermen as disciples. Nathaniel proclaimed, “You are the son of God!” And Jesus replied, “You will see greater things than these.” Greater things than Jesus knowing Nathaniel before Nathaniel introduced himself.

Today, the third day, Mary states her epiphany – her realization – she knows who Jesus is. And so when she sees a need, and turns to prayer – she turns to Jesus since she knows he is the son of God, the Lamb, the one who has come to take away sins, the very in breaking of the new age of God.

She turns to Jesus and states her prayer: “They are out of wine.”

… It’s kind of a silly prayer. “Oh God – there is no wine to drink. Send wine.”

It reminds me of the Simpson’s episode “Pray Anything.” In that episode, Homer Simpson watches the super-Christian Ned Flanders being successful in life. He asks Flanders what his secret is. Flanders tells him things like “work hard,” “eat healthy” “and a little prayer.”

Homer only focuses on prayer, since he doesn’t like the other two. He begins to pray for things like help for finding the TV remote, and a new tasty snack, and help with a plugged up sink. He finds the remote, chocolate-covered bacon is invented, and he comes up with a scheme to make money for the sink.

His wife tells him, “God isn’t some sort of holy concierge. You can’t keep bugging him for every little thing!” But Homer ignores her.

The message of the episode isn’t that Marge, (Homer’s wife) is right, – Homer’s prayers are answered until he blanetly sins and hurts other Christians, and forgets God – No, in the episode, the message is rather to have faith.

You know, I don’t think there are any silly prayers. Prayer is a conversation, a dialogue, between you and God; between people and God; between creation and God.

Our conversations with each other have trivial things in them. Trivial concerns. Trivial joys. Trivial squirrelly thoughts that go no where. God isn’t a holy concierge, but God delights in us and does want to know about every little thing.

Mary’s prayer, this wedding at Cana, is evidence to me of this fact.

God cares for our normal, daily, life – including our frustration when we lose the TV remote.

God cares for our heart-stopping, monumental life – including the moments when we feel we can’t go on and the moments when we’re talking on Cloud 9.

God cares for us – in the big times and the little times.

God wants to hear from us when we have no big concerns and when we have gigantic concerns.

Mary’s prayer is for a single wedding. Yet God responds exuberantly in God’s own time.

Mary tells Jesus, “They’re out of wine!”

Jesus’ responding words in English sound harsh, but in his native tongue they don’t sound as bad. However, he still dismisses her. “Why is that our problem? It isn’t my time.”

John’s wonderful double meanings are in Jesus’ words. John’s whole gospel is full of this kind of word play. This isn’t Jesus’ wedding. It isn’t time for him to give out wine. But it also isn’t Jesus’ hour — time — of self-revelation and glory.

Mary, however, cannot be dissuaded. Like many of the women in the Bible, she refuses to give up hope. She turns to the servants who are working the wedding, “Do whatever he tells you to do.”

Now she places the time, the action, back into Jesus’ hands. If he tells the servants nothing – then nothing will happen, the party will end, and people will leave. If Jesus decides to act, then he can tell them what to do to assist with fixing the end of wine problem.

We read that near the wedding were gigantic stone water jars. These water jars once held clean water for people to use to wash their hands. Now they are empty. Every jar can hold twenty to thirty gallons of water. So 120 to 180 gallons of water. If that’s hard to picture, picture three of your hot water tanks.

Jesus tells the waiters and waitresses to fill the jars with water, and the workers do so all the way to the brim. Then Jesus tells them to take some of the liquid to their boss. So they stick in a dipper, remove some of the water, and find it is not the same stuff they put in it.

Faithfully, without question, they take this to the chief steward, their boss. He’s standing there thinking, “Well, this party is over. Pretty soon someone’s going to ask for wine, and we have none. This Joe really has messed up big time.” So the waiter gives the head boss this cup, the boss tastes it, and is shocked at what good wine it is. He calls over Joe with glee and laughter, “Joe! You crazy man! Everyone else gives out the good wine for their toasting and socializing, and then they use the cheap wine after everyone is drunk. No one knows the difference then. But you! You rascal! You’ve saved the best for last!”

But the servants, and the disciples who were watching, and Mary and Jesus… they know the truth. The three tanks, the six jars, the gallons and gallons of good, excellent, expensive wine was actually water just a few minutes ago. Jesus has turned plain water into excellent wine. An extravagant, overly generous, miracle has just occurred.

Jesus does his miracle on his own accord, his own time, but in response to prayer.

He then took what was old — the old Jewish stone jars. The old ways of doing things — but he made something new inside of the old. Judaism isn’t replaced, but something new is growing out of it. The prophets, the Old Testament, the teachings of Elijah and Moses and Abraham aren’t outdated and useless… but out of them, a new gospel, a new message, arises.

It’s sort of like how Jesus takes us — our same old bodies and souls — but fills us with new, marvelous Spirit.

And, when it seems like the party is over… when all is said and done… when hope is lost and there is nothing left that we can do…

… we can still pray…

… and God still has the final word.

Hope is never fully lost.

Even death – which claims us all – doesn’t have the final word.

Our bridegroom is preparing a wedding feast for us. Our bridegroom is gathering us together for the most extravagant wedding feast. Our bridegroom is coming, at some unknown hour, to start a celebration for the ages. Our bridegroom has the final word — not death, not sickness, not separation. Not isolation, or depression, or feelings of low-self worth. Our bridegroom has the final word: and that final word is one of superabundant grace, extravagant welcome, and unlimited grace.

Delight!

Our God delights in us!

We delight in our God!

God delights to hear from us! God delights when we share our life with the divine!

Let us pray without ceasing. Let us pray when we have big problems and small. Let us pray when we have little joys and big joys. Let us pray by the way we live our lives! Amen.

Given to Saint Michael’s UCC 1-17-2016 Baltimore, Ohio.

Where is the joy?

Philippians 4:4-7
Luke 3:7-18

Joy to the world!
Joyful joyful we adore thee!
How great our joy!
O tidings of comfort and joy!
Joyful all ye nations rise!
Bringing joy to every boy and girl!

… Do you ever get tired of being told this is the season of joy?

What if I don’t feel jolly at all?

I spent some time this week sitting and waiting in Walmart waiting on my car battery to be replaced. Across from me was a thirty-foot-long display of “Christmas Joy.” Trinkets imported from China, sharp cinnamon candles, glittery baubles for decorating a tree, and everywhere smiling snowmen and reindeer. The people who walked past this, perused it, and picked things up looked like zombies. Their eyes were glazed over, they looked like this was a chore they felt obligated to do, but it sure wasn’t enjoyable.

I like to make up dialogue for people whenever I’m people watching. So I heard one woman think, “Another season. Another day I’m supposed to smile and be happy and rejoice to see my mother.”

Her mother, walking with her, was thinking, “It’s Christmas already? I seems like it was just Easter. I’m not ready. Well, I mean, I still have the lights up from last year – I never got to taking them down – will last year’s candy do for the grandkids too?”

I saw a man standing in traditional zombie stance with his mouth hanging open and his eyes unfocused as he stood before the “Ready for Wrapping!” makeup case. I pictured him having no thoughts — so overwhelmed — maybe a bit of miserable sorrow since whatever he picked wouldn’t be the right kind of make up… yet the real makeup aisle is ever more overwhelming… Why did his teen daughter have to ask for makeup?

Maybe cash. I think he thinks as he walks away empty handed. Cash is easier. Is it too… crass? He stops at the end of the aisle, grabs the first pre-wrapped makeup case his hand falls on, and hurries away. This makeup is cheaper than cash.

When I went to pay for my battery, there was a line of unhappy people frowning at one another and upset that it was taking ten or more minutes for the line to move. The unhappy workers were upset with the crowds, and yet everyone is here… stuck.

The crowds don’t want to be here, and yet they are forced to by social pressure. But this is the season of joy, so shut up and be happy, smile and spend!

The workers don’t want to be here, and yet they are forced to to pay the bills. But this is the season of joy! So wear red to work and smile to the angry customers!

Maybe some of those workers would be in the crowd later, unhappily spending their money to purchase things their relatives don’t really want or need… but they don’t want to give their relatives nothing for the holiday. Who wants to be a scrooge? Who wants to say bah-humbug?

Can you be Christian and not feel the feeling of Christmas?

Can you be Christian and think this isn’t the season of joy?

Can you be Christian and just want Christmas to come and be over with already?

“Christmas joy.”

Maybe that’s the feeling you get when you finally have the Christmas decorations put away.

It’s kinda weird, but the first Christmas wasn’t all joyful either.

Some people say Mary gave birth as miraculously as she conceived – a sparkle of light and surprise! There’s a baby. Most people say no, she had a labor. I mean, she was riding a donkey for a reason – it hurts to walk when you’re in labor. There’s a lot of pain in giving birth. Joy, too, but also pain. Fear. Worry. Anxiety.

The shepherds didn’t have joy until after they saw the babe. Until then, they were scared, curious.

Herold sure didn’t greet the news of a new king with joy.

Just like life, the first Christmas was a mixed bag of emotions. Sometimes joyful, sometimes sorrowful.

The Bible, and its stories, lead more insight into our true meaning of the season than the aisle of “JOY!” at Wal-mart too.

You see, the crowds who came to John in the wilderness were far more unhappy and joyless than the folks waiting in line. But these ancient crowds, too, were stuck. You see, as Rev. Kathryn Matthews of the Amistad UCC Chaple writes, “in [John’s] day, the powers-that-be had arranged a world based on empire, with those at the top grabbing – through force and greed – the lion’s share of power and material wealth for themselves. It wasn’t just the Roman Empire and their puppets that experienced John’s anger and sharp words, but also the religious institutions as well felt the sting of John’s rebuke…

John’s message about the forgiveness of sins and being baptized in a river made the Temple and its elaborate systems run by powerful priests sound rather unnecessary. The priests, including the ones listed when John first appears, couldn’t have greeted his preaching with enthusiasm, because the people on top, whether religious or political leaders, ‘abused their position to increase the debt load on the people of the land. Rather than forgiving debt, they were increasing debt’ (William Herzog, New Proclamation Year C 2006). The abuse of position and power for profit is nothing that we have invented ourselves.”

And the crowds are desperate. Things are near a breaking point. People have had enough and can’t stand anymore. None of their leaders seem trustworthy. None of their religious institutions — their very priests!– seem trustworthy. Even the old, old story of the Exodus, and God’s promised covenant to be with the people no longer seems trustworthy since everything is going so, so wrong. The people want a Messiah. They want revolt. They need things to change.

So why did people come to John? He wasn’t winning any Public Relations contests. He was dressed in nasty camel’s hair, looked and spoke like a wild man, and he welcomed people by yelling at them, “YOU BROOD OF VIPERS! WHO WARNED YOU OF THE COMING WRATH?!”

Maybe some came in desperation. Maybe others in curiosity. Maybe some liked that he was fiery. Others liked he wasn’t going along with Rome and the temple. Maybe, for some, he was stirring that dim, jaded, barely remembered childhood wonder and hope hidden in the people’s hearts.

That hope and wonder we remember as kids looking up at the ceiling at the glittering Christmas lights reflected off the white paint.

That excitement, and joy, we remember ourselves having as we crawled into our cold sheets Christmas Eve dreaming of tomorrow’s Christmas Day gifts.

Maybe, John awoke the message of the Exodus, of God’s promise to abide with us, in a way that spoke to hearts heavily weighed by taxes, bills, occupation, corruption, and being stuck in a system where you’re unhappy but nothing changes.

You see, John came preaching the advent, the coming, of the kindom of God. He told us to prepare the way for the Lord. This sounds like a humongous, gigantic task. As gigantic and as seemingly impossible as achieving world joy or world peace.

But John breaks down the work into things we can actually tackle: little deeds, little actions, we can actually accomplish…. but which make a huge impact.

“He doesn’t tell the people to get back to church, to overthrow the [government], to transform the world in some sudden, drastic revolution. No, he tells them the same things that [their and our parents have always told us:] ‘Share with one another. Be kind to one another. Don’t fight. Be fair. Don’t hoard, or lord it over one another.’

I don’t mean to reduce John’s message in any way, but at the heart of it, it seems to me John” is teaching that basic justice and goodness “will knock the supports out from under every out-of-whack, awry, misaligned, upside-down, oppressive structure and system that we’ve built.” (Rev. Kathryn Matthews) He’s saying God’s way is a way built of daily deeds of justice and goodness, and these daily deeds “take the air, the power, out of every process and habit that we humans have practiced and perfected and with which we have hurt one another, and one another’s children.” (Rev. Kathryn Matthews)

The people coming to John were desperate. The people I saw in Wal-Mart were getting desperate. The crowds ask, “What should we do?” What should we do if Christmas comes and we feel no joy? What should we do if the world is large and scary and we are tiny and scared? What should we do if everything seems out of control and we are powerless even to change a tiny bit? What should we do when it seems we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t?

John’s message is this: be generous. Be just. Be repentant. These prepare the way for the Lord.

The beginning of joy to the world is the beginning of simply offering hospitality to someone who needs a place to stay.

It is welcoming a baby into the world.

It is repenting — saying you are sorry to others and to God when you mess up.

The beginning of the Christmas spirit, Christmas joy, is a Christian life.

A Christian life is one that produces good fruits.

Good fruits… like joy, love, peace, and hope.

Good fruits, like forgiveness, patience, kindness, and generosity.

John’s examples of good fruits is so simple: don’t use your power to hurt others. If you own more than you need, give it to someone who is needy. Don’t sell it to them. Give it.

If you collect money on a bill, take what is fair. Don’t jack the price up. Don’t overcharge. Don’t cheat people.

If you are a soldier, protect people. Don’t intimidate and threaten. Don’t be a bully.

In today’s children’s chat, we read about many ways to prepare the way for the lord. Little deeds, random acts of kindness, are like rain drops. This rain like grace becomes rivers of life-giving water. Rivers for redemption, for repentance, for making people whole.

Not feeling the Christmas joy? It’s okay. Christmas is full of many emotions. You don’t HAVE TO do Christmas. You don’t HAVE TO purchase presents, visit people, and fake a smile. These are heavy burdens, and we can repent and lay them down. Instead of carrying these HAVE TOs, we can carry divine love. Divine love might feel joyful, or it might be peaceful and still. Divine love might be sorrowful, or lonely. Divine love is our gift at Christmas and just like the stories of old, divine love comes in many forms and many expressions.

Sometimes we “rejoice in the Lord” with celebrations and loud music. And sometimes we rejoice in the Lord by being grateful God is with us when we’re feeling alone, and sad.

Our God is with us. Emmanuel. Amen.

Given to Saint Michael’s UCC, Baltimore Ohio, 12-13-15