Bible, Church, and Religion Jokes

From everywhere – for Holy Humor Sunday – and any day!

 

A small boy told a Sunday school teacher: “When you die, God takes care of you like your parents did when you were alive — only God doesn’t yell at you all the time.”

 

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.

The little girl bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

 

A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, “What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?”

The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. “I know what He said: He said, ‘Tah-dah!'”

 

Church Sign: “We welcome all denominations — $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, $100.”

 

Church of the Merciful posted this sign: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

 

In the bulletin of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church, Palm Coast, FL: “We will have a Special Holiday Bingo & Dinner on Monday evening, Dec. 30. You will be given two bingo packs, which cover all games played, and your choice of children or roast beef for dinner.”

 

From the Dalton (GA) Daily Citizen News: “John Franklin, ordained as a deamon, will pastor two churches in Fannin County.”

 

When a young minister was still single, he preached a sermon he entitled, “Rules for Raising Children.” After he got married and had children of his own, he changed the title of the sermon to “Suggestions for Raising Children.” When his children got to be teenagers, he stopped preaching on that subject altogether.

 

A man had been shipwrecked on a remote island in the Pacific, and was alone for 20 years. When a ship finally arrived, his rescuers were impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him about them.

“Well,” the man replied, “this is my house, and that building over there is my church. It’s a wonderful church and I hate to leave it.”

“And what is the third building yonder?” a rescuer asked.

“Oh, that is the church I used to go to,” the man replied.

 

  1. Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
  2. Because he knew there was something fishy about it.

 

  1. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
  2. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

 

  1. Where was Solomon’s temple located?
  2. On the side of his head.

 

  1. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
  2. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

 

  1. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
  2. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

 

  1. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
  2. It’s Christmas, Eve!

 

  1. How does Moses make his coffee?
  2. Hebrews it.

 

  1. Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?
  2. No, only an apple.

 

  1. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
  2. Because he only had two worms.

 

  1. How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
  2. By his net income.

 

  1. Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
  2. Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.

 

  1. Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
  2. Abraham. He knew a Lot.

 

  1. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
  2. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

 

  1. Who was the fastest runner in the race?
  2. Adam, because he was first in the human race.

 

  1. Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
  2. He thought he saw a job.

 

  1. What animal could Noah not trust?
  2. Cheetah

 

  1. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
  2. Samson. He brought the house down.

 

  1. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
  2. Ruthless.

 

  1. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
  2. Quackers

 

  1. Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
  2. Zaccheus.

 

  1. Which Bible character had no parents?
  2. Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

 

  1. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
  2. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

 

How long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

 

At Sunday School the children were learning how according to the Bible God created everything, including human beings.

Johnny paid particular attention when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later that week, Johnny’s mother found him lying on his bed as though he were ill, and asked him, “Johnny, what’s the matter?”

Johnny replied, “I’ve got a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

 

When is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When God gave Moses two tablets.

 

Who was the fastest guy in the Bible?

Adam – he was first in the human race.

 

What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?

Floodlights.

 

At what time of day did God create Adam?

Just before Eve.

 

Which biblical character was the youngest to speak foul language?

Job, because he cursed the day he was born.

 

Why did the hawk sit on the church steeple?

Because it was a bird of pray.

 

A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday.

At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door.

The pastor knocked and knocked but no-one answered so finally took out his card and wrote on the back:

Revelation 3:20 – “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me.”

The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was another scripture passage.

It read:

Genesis 3:10 – “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself.”

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